I went to check my bank account, honestly expecting it to be overdrawn story of my life. To my surprise, my tax returns were deposited!! Im the typical jew, when it comes to having money and not wanting to spend it, but im telling you the minute i have no money, i find it necessary to need everything i see. Why cant i just be content with spending the money i worked so hard to earn. Working 60+ hours a week..um hello i deserve a shopping spree everyother 2,3 weeks, is that really asking so much. Most of the money should go towards my apartment…but im sure ill find some excuse for it to go towards more work clothes, which i always find myself needing more of. We’ll see what i finally decided i should i put the money toward. Work tonight, was work..the days get closer and closer to being able to actually sleep in and enjoy time with my friends. The few i have :). Speaking of friends, i am so happy that im talking to a certain someone again, its really hard to believe that im able to just pick things up with this person like nothing happened, like he didnt give me (up until january) what i thought was the toughest heartache of my life. I told myself at one point in time that i would never speak to this person again just based off of what i had put myself through. I know i tell myself that i wont get my hopes up and i should know not to even begin to think in any aspect of us actually starting something again. BUT with that being said, i love seeing text from you, knowing my day will get better because of the idiotic things we say to eachother…that if anyone else read our convos they’d think we were sick and twisted…i also have prepared myself for it to just stop as well..because lets face it thats how it happened last time…everything just stopped. Im okay will nothing going on between us because you and i both know nothing is possible right now, we already tried that. I will never put myself through something like that again, but also…with that being said again..two years is a long time for things to change..i’ve grown up..so have you..the distance will always be a factor though. So until something changes im content with us just being friends, i said it before and i’ll stand by it…we we’re born into it..so no matter some way some how we will always be apart of eachothers lives. On to a different subject having a conversation with my boss tonight gave me alot of encouragement, i’ve made it clear to both my gm and agm that i want to move within the company, i want to start a career there..and the way the conversations ended i really think that, that could be an option at some point in time. I know its not going to happen over night. Shit, i know it wont happen in a couple months, but by this time next year i promise myself that i wont be doing what im doing right now. Im going to be asleep within the next 15 minutes i promise. So goodnight. This felt good. Tons of reblogging i feel like i’ll find myself doing tomorrow if i have time..which cross your fingers i do.

<3

The past month and a half has been a whirlwind, and I find it alot easier to just tell you random events then trying to go back to the first thing that happened and tell you from there..so where to begin.

• —In the past month I started a new job, currently putting my two weeks in at another job, and at the same time picking up an old job. Lets just say to say i dont have any social life is an understatement. 

• —With that being said I’m alot happier that I dont have a social life, i’ve learned so much about myself and the other people i surrounded myself with. Its strange, lonely and i love it.

• —I GOT THE APARTMENT. Been here about a month now, and i love it. Like i said before it definitely can get a little lonely but i love the fact that i can stroll in after work and not have to answer to anyone not have to worry about having any clothes on and i can do whatever i please. Work 60+ a week is well worth it, the money isnt bad either. 

• —Not seeing you or hanging out with you this past month has opened my eyes alot. Yes i think deep down we will always be friends, but right now its just what either of us need i guess. When i say this, i mean every bit of it towards myself, i think even though you are the age you are, you have so much growing up to you. Like myself..you’re lost, and if doing what you’re doing right now is what you need to do to find yourself then go for it. What i will not stand for is you being a hypocrite. You’ve told me things in the past to explain why you are the way you are and do the things you do, and you’re going against every single one, but that comes with being in a place where you’re lost. I feel like as people no matter how hard we say we dont care what people think or what people say we still in a way try to make ourselves appear to what is right. I’ve been guilty of it in the past but not anymore. I have no time to care. I barely have time in my week to let alone sleep. I will always love you and you will always be my friend but not being around you is whats best for us. I know it.

• —Every time i write a long blog like this i always make the promise to myself that i’ll keep writing because it makes me feel at ease. I feel like all these weights are lifted off my shoulder…and then i never do, and month later i have this 40 paragraph blog for no one but myself to read. Im okay with it, but do really want to start writing more. Especially with all this alone time. Makes things a little easier.

• —Decorating your own place is one of the most exciting and frustrating thing one can do. Im in a love/relationship with my apartment right now when it comes to decor. I feel like i need to take a trip to some craft store with Ms. Ashley Rose soon. 

• —Seeing familiar faces time and again is alway refreshing also, its funny that someone i fell so head over heals for has become someone i can trust so much and go to when i just need to vent. He started as oyster man ha and will now just be my friend, which i couldnt be more happier about.

• —I work at Nobu Las Vegas now. I love it. So much, the people i get to surround myself with everyday, to people i’ve known for years to ones i’ve just met a month ago. Im happy there. And i want to build there, and i will.

• I’m starting bartending school next month, and working behind the bar at my old job Il Mulino, so please let me make you a drink soon ;)

• —You’ve called me numerous times this month, text me, left me messages. It’s taken everything in me to not answer the phone..or write back once. I must say im guilty of even listening to your voicemails…the stronger side of me is already mad i even did that. I wish i could know what was going through your head, why you want to talk, why you’re even thinking about me. You made it so clear where i stood in your life when i made that decision, and yet you’re still staying around. You have a family that you should be worrying about…a child and girlfriend who are part of your life forever now, now that im not. I want so badly to call you and tell you to leave me alone. To never call again..even though i’ve done this already..but giving you the pleasure of hearing my voice would give you too much justice.

• —I cuddled with someone the other night. Yes just cuddle..nothing more, nothing less. A friend, and having that body next to me did make me miss falling asleep next to someone, but when he took the next step to asking me out i have to second guess it, which shows right there im not ready for ANYTHING. I miss having someone yes, but im not ready to completely open myself up to someone again and it wouldnt be far to try and start something with someone who deserves so much more.

• —What i DONT miss, is the little games you have to play with someone who you’ve just started talking too, not knowing what one is thinking or how you should word things. Not my cup of tea so i choice to not even drink it. 

• —I CANNOT WAIT FOR HOLYSHIP . The lineup, dates, and port will be released in 13 days. holyshit that is exciting, i have no expectations nothing, I know nothing will ever compare to the first, but maybe thats for the better…maybe this means it can only get better!

• —I dont know what else to talk about. This was a 45 min blog of nonsense in my brain. Thank you for reading, thats if anyone did :)

SO MUCH HAS GONE ON IN THIS PAST MONTH THAT IM GOING CRAZY :) AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF BED. YOU’LL BE GETTING THE WHOLE BLOG ABOUT IT.